I made it home to Tacoma on Saturday. 2 fights with dad so far though. I decided that I am going to study IT and networking as opposed to broadcast engineering. More opportunities for computer nerds out there than engineers. Those classes don't start until fall. Dad wants me to find a job and help support myself. I can't say i blame him. And it would mean more time away from him. The problem is that he doesn't understand that jobs are still scarce. He hasn't had to look for work in 33 years. so he doesn't get it.
There's also another problem. Part of this trip was to continue my journey to transition. its kinda tough when i cant grow my hair out as it needs to look good for job interviews. not to mention after i find a job, what do i say/do. It's all very frustrating. Who knows what the future holds. I will have to talk to my friend who is here in Tacoma and find out what the resources are like.
We are after all, the Gayest city of 2013 in the US!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Tacoma - Medford - Tacoma
Wow, it certainly has been a long time since I have posted here. Life has been crazy. I had a job, got demoted at the job, fell in love, lost that love, and made a decision about my career and as a result, my life. I also made a decision about my identity as a trans woman. I will get to that. But first the job.
I was hired as a newscast director at a station in Medford, Or. Don't get me wrong, not having sales tax rocks. Right as I got to the job, a woman was going on maternity. As a result we were understaffed for about 4 months. After she returned, I was being trained on a particular station in the broadcast control room (graphics, audio, etc) maybe 1 time a week. For those of you who don't know, this is NOT the way to train someone. They need constant exposure to the station to learn it. After a month of this bullshit training, they told me I wasn't learning fast enough and demoted my pay and title.
As a result, I started to re-evaluate my life. First I considered if broadcast operations was what I really wanted to do. Then I considered the horrid hours an ops person has to work (2am to 11am or 3pm - Midnight - Shitty, I know). I couldn't really make a decision until I had a lot of time to think.
Then came the girl.
When I worked in Green Bay, I met a guy who told me about a dating site that was basically like eHarmony but without the massive price tag - Plenty of Fish (or pof.com). I decided that although I was being paid shit for a job i wasn't hired to do, I would try and find love, as it has been a while since I had been in a relationship and I wanted to see what I could live with as far as transition goes. After about a week and a half of messages to women, I got a response.
Her name was Amber.
She seemed like the perfect girl for me. We both enjoyed taking pictures, roller skating (once I figured out how to skate) and she thought my white and pink skates were cool. We both enjoyed movies and I introduced her to Buffy, which like me, she instantly fell in love with. We didn't get a lot of time to spend together, because of my shitty hours and her busy school schedule. But when we did spend time together, which was about 1-2 times a week, things were perfect. For the first time in a long time, things felt good and right in my life (regardless of the shitty pay).
Then out of the blue, she sent me a text, about an hour before she was supposed to come over on a Friday. By this time we were about 4 months into the relationship. She said that she was still coming over but that we needed to talk about the relationship. Anyone who has been dumped by someone they cared about will know (and dread) that phrase. She came over and we talked about she was very busy with life. She said that her work schedule was crazy as was her class schedule and that she needed to figure out what was going on in her life and that she couldn't commit time to the relationship (remember we were already only seeing her once or twice a week at best). So we talked more about her circumstances and then I told her how I felt. She said that in 6 months to a year when she has her shit together, we could get back together. Then I got to talk.
I told her that I was reconsidering my career and where it might take me. I told her that I didn't know if I could wait 6 months to a year for her to make up her mind. I told her that I would likely stay for her and study down here if I did decide to change careers, and if she was willing to stay in the relationship, but not after 6 months or a year. And I told her that I loved her, because that's how I truly feel.
She said I gave her a lot to think about. She said she definatly wanted to stay friends and that if I did move away, maybe we could try long distance (I am not a fan of long distance).
We both sat quietly for a few minutes.Then we kissed and she left.
I cannot say whether she was giving me the real reason for breaking up or not. I am not always good at reading people. I really want to believe her, but as I said, I can't wait around to find out. I desperately wish I could, because of how much I care for her, but I just can't.
We have text-ed on and off for the past week or so. During that time, I have made several discoveries and realizations about myself and life.
1. Kenny G is awesome.
2. Pretty Little Liars (the TV show) is awesome.
3. TV networks suck for saving the last few episodes of a show for the May ratings period.
4. I am sure I want to be either a Television Engineer, IT Tech, or my first choice, a High School Video Productions teacher. But one thing is for sure, crazy hours and broadcast operations are not for me.
5. I still want to transition.
I am meeting with Amber to talk to her about things one last time tomorrow at 2pm. I don't know what will happen. But at least she will finally give me back my USB flash drive.
My plan as it currently stands -
I will be moving back to Tacoma in a week or so. Classes start at Bates on May 12. Tacoma is where most of my friends are and it will certainly be easier to plan my 10-year reunion from there (just 1 year away).
As for transition - I plan on working more intensively with some of my friends in the area who have gone through the same thing. Who knows. Maybe in a year or so I will finally be walking around in skirts every day. One thing's for sure. I still am and want to be Hannah.
Wishing all of you the best. I will try and keep this more updated as time goes on.
I was hired as a newscast director at a station in Medford, Or. Don't get me wrong, not having sales tax rocks. Right as I got to the job, a woman was going on maternity. As a result we were understaffed for about 4 months. After she returned, I was being trained on a particular station in the broadcast control room (graphics, audio, etc) maybe 1 time a week. For those of you who don't know, this is NOT the way to train someone. They need constant exposure to the station to learn it. After a month of this bullshit training, they told me I wasn't learning fast enough and demoted my pay and title.
As a result, I started to re-evaluate my life. First I considered if broadcast operations was what I really wanted to do. Then I considered the horrid hours an ops person has to work (2am to 11am or 3pm - Midnight - Shitty, I know). I couldn't really make a decision until I had a lot of time to think.
Then came the girl.
When I worked in Green Bay, I met a guy who told me about a dating site that was basically like eHarmony but without the massive price tag - Plenty of Fish (or pof.com). I decided that although I was being paid shit for a job i wasn't hired to do, I would try and find love, as it has been a while since I had been in a relationship and I wanted to see what I could live with as far as transition goes. After about a week and a half of messages to women, I got a response.
Her name was Amber.
She seemed like the perfect girl for me. We both enjoyed taking pictures, roller skating (once I figured out how to skate) and she thought my white and pink skates were cool. We both enjoyed movies and I introduced her to Buffy, which like me, she instantly fell in love with. We didn't get a lot of time to spend together, because of my shitty hours and her busy school schedule. But when we did spend time together, which was about 1-2 times a week, things were perfect. For the first time in a long time, things felt good and right in my life (regardless of the shitty pay).
Then out of the blue, she sent me a text, about an hour before she was supposed to come over on a Friday. By this time we were about 4 months into the relationship. She said that she was still coming over but that we needed to talk about the relationship. Anyone who has been dumped by someone they cared about will know (and dread) that phrase. She came over and we talked about she was very busy with life. She said that her work schedule was crazy as was her class schedule and that she needed to figure out what was going on in her life and that she couldn't commit time to the relationship (remember we were already only seeing her once or twice a week at best). So we talked more about her circumstances and then I told her how I felt. She said that in 6 months to a year when she has her shit together, we could get back together. Then I got to talk.
I told her that I was reconsidering my career and where it might take me. I told her that I didn't know if I could wait 6 months to a year for her to make up her mind. I told her that I would likely stay for her and study down here if I did decide to change careers, and if she was willing to stay in the relationship, but not after 6 months or a year. And I told her that I loved her, because that's how I truly feel.
She said I gave her a lot to think about. She said she definatly wanted to stay friends and that if I did move away, maybe we could try long distance (I am not a fan of long distance).
We both sat quietly for a few minutes.Then we kissed and she left.
I cannot say whether she was giving me the real reason for breaking up or not. I am not always good at reading people. I really want to believe her, but as I said, I can't wait around to find out. I desperately wish I could, because of how much I care for her, but I just can't.
We have text-ed on and off for the past week or so. During that time, I have made several discoveries and realizations about myself and life.
1. Kenny G is awesome.
2. Pretty Little Liars (the TV show) is awesome.
3. TV networks suck for saving the last few episodes of a show for the May ratings period.
4. I am sure I want to be either a Television Engineer, IT Tech, or my first choice, a High School Video Productions teacher. But one thing is for sure, crazy hours and broadcast operations are not for me.
5. I still want to transition.
I am meeting with Amber to talk to her about things one last time tomorrow at 2pm. I don't know what will happen. But at least she will finally give me back my USB flash drive.
My plan as it currently stands -
I will be moving back to Tacoma in a week or so. Classes start at Bates on May 12. Tacoma is where most of my friends are and it will certainly be easier to plan my 10-year reunion from there (just 1 year away).
As for transition - I plan on working more intensively with some of my friends in the area who have gone through the same thing. Who knows. Maybe in a year or so I will finally be walking around in skirts every day. One thing's for sure. I still am and want to be Hannah.
Wishing all of you the best. I will try and keep this more updated as time goes on.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Honor Returns to the Olympic Games
I know it's been about a month since the London games ended, but this is the first chance I got to blog about them. I felt that it should be noted that London did a fabulous job hosting the Summer Olympics. As you may have read, I ranted earlier about the games in china. The IOC has regained my respect and I hope that all of the future Olympic Games are in countries that respect human rights (as well as the physical well being of the Olympic Athletes). Once again, well done London and well see you in 2014 for the Games of the XXII Winter Olympiad in Sochi, Russia.
Monday, August 27, 2012
The American Taliban
My previous post was all about not liking my current circumstances in this country. I continue to stand by those feelings. I thought it was noteworthy to mention that the Season finale of "The Newsroom" last night made reference to the members of the Republican party who support the tea party caucus. Jeff Daniels refers to them as "The American Taliban." I believe this to be an accurate representation of who and what these people represent. The things they represent are as follows...
Ideological purity
compromise as weakness
a fundamentalist belief in scriptural literalism
denying science
unmoved by facts
undeterred by new information
a hostile fear of progress
a demonization of education
a need to control women’s bodies
severe xenophobia
tribal mentality
intolerance of dissent
a pathological (unknown to themselves) hatred of the U.S. government
God I love this show and I hope that the Tea Party continues to make themselves look like assholes. All it does is puts their inevitable downfall on an express train to its destination.
I did recently find full time work, and will be moving there soon. But I stand by my statement that if Romney is elected, I will leave.
Ideological purity
compromise as weakness
a fundamentalist belief in scriptural literalism
denying science
unmoved by facts
undeterred by new information
a hostile fear of progress
a demonization of education
a need to control women’s bodies
severe xenophobia
tribal mentality
intolerance of dissent
a pathological (unknown to themselves) hatred of the U.S. government
God I love this show and I hope that the Tea Party continues to make themselves look like assholes. All it does is puts their inevitable downfall on an express train to its destination.
I did recently find full time work, and will be moving there soon. But I stand by my statement that if Romney is elected, I will leave.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
You can't fix stupid
Dear America.
You know, I find it so amazing that so many people in this country can be so ignorant. I am not saying that we are great at education or much of anything (see episode 1 of Aaron Sorkin's "The Newsroom") but people should at least do research before doing things like voting against their own interest or believing that our world is underpopulated as it is so clearly overpopulated at the moment. Those people I refer to who voted against their own interest would be the 65+ group who had to have a change in congress so much that they elected the very people likely to take away their social security. As I said, you can't fix stupid. If there's one thing seniors should realize, it's that the democrats are the ones who are trying to protect government programs like social security. But no, no one else deserves health care regardless of the fact that your health care is provided by the government (heard of medicare and medicaid lately have you?) Seniors should "Grow Up" and realize that other people need help as well as they do. I am focusing this rant on seniors because they made up over 25% of the electorate during the last election. However, I would also like to blame the stupid young people who voted for tea party candidates. All the tea party has done in congress is made the US nearly Default on it's Debt, Lowered the credit rating of the US, and stalled any intelligent legislation from getting to President Obama's Desk.
I have decided that if the incompetence of the American Electorate remains in 2012, and Mitty Mittster is elected, I will rigorsly seek employment in another country and leave this god forsaken place.
Love,
A smart member of the 99%
You know, I find it so amazing that so many people in this country can be so ignorant. I am not saying that we are great at education or much of anything (see episode 1 of Aaron Sorkin's "The Newsroom") but people should at least do research before doing things like voting against their own interest or believing that our world is underpopulated as it is so clearly overpopulated at the moment. Those people I refer to who voted against their own interest would be the 65+ group who had to have a change in congress so much that they elected the very people likely to take away their social security. As I said, you can't fix stupid. If there's one thing seniors should realize, it's that the democrats are the ones who are trying to protect government programs like social security. But no, no one else deserves health care regardless of the fact that your health care is provided by the government (heard of medicare and medicaid lately have you?) Seniors should "Grow Up" and realize that other people need help as well as they do. I am focusing this rant on seniors because they made up over 25% of the electorate during the last election. However, I would also like to blame the stupid young people who voted for tea party candidates. All the tea party has done in congress is made the US nearly Default on it's Debt, Lowered the credit rating of the US, and stalled any intelligent legislation from getting to President Obama's Desk.
I have decided that if the incompetence of the American Electorate remains in 2012, and Mitty Mittster is elected, I will rigorsly seek employment in another country and leave this god forsaken place.
Love,
A smart member of the 99%
Friday, June 1, 2012
The Hunger Games
Possible Spoiler Alert!
So I saw this epic movie a few weeks ago...
It may seem strange, or teenage, or something else. But I found "The Hunger Games" to be my new favorite movie. It had everything that I think a movie needs. And better yet, it was a great representation of what happened in the book (which I had not read until after the movie). Some people believe that they left out too many important things, but this is what I have to say to these people....
They only have 1:30-2:00 hours to get in a nearly 400 page book. And they made the movie 2:22 long, so cut them some slack already. Yes, I agree the Night Vision Glasses and Katness and Peeta's feast should have been in the film, and yes, Katness did really shoot Marvel through the neck in the book, but remember, this film was meant for young people too. And I totally agree that the "feast" from the gamemakers should have been the meds just for Peeta, because after all, who doesn't want to see Jennifer Lawrence in a pool of her own blood, but I say again, for you haters out there, CUT THEM SOME SLACK! Suzanne Collins, you know, the author of the books, actually supervised and helped write the script. If she thought it was good enough, then it was, and after all, weren't the fire costumes EPIC!
You'll laugh with Haymitch's comments about Effie's clothes. You'll cry with Katniss when Rue passes away. And you will cheer for "The Girl on Fire!" And when I say this, I mean every time you see the movie.
I subsequently saw the movie 3 more times (dear lord the picture and sound at the BM Theatre both suck. OK so I have been spoiled by digital projectors. Sue me). By the way, I recommend theaters equipped with the Texas Instruments DLP projectors over Sony 4K. Call the theater ahead of time and find the one that has DLP in your locale! Most of the employees surprisingly know what they have. I also decided that due to the fact that prices have dropped so dramatically recently and the fact that I want a big screen to watch this epic movie on again, my next TV will in fact be a projector. 100+ inches baby!
For those curious, "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire" releases November 22, 2013. All cast members who's characters' are still alive will return for Catching Fire and Mockingjay, Parts 1 and 2. And for those of you who have not read the book, they could not do Mockingjay in one movie. If they did, it would have to be 5 hours long!
I guess this blog has turned into more of a "what's going on with me" in general as opposed to just transition stuff. But I don't care. Sometimes you just need a place to write something, right?
So I saw this epic movie a few weeks ago...
It may seem strange, or teenage, or something else. But I found "The Hunger Games" to be my new favorite movie. It had everything that I think a movie needs. And better yet, it was a great representation of what happened in the book (which I had not read until after the movie). Some people believe that they left out too many important things, but this is what I have to say to these people....
They only have 1:30-2:00 hours to get in a nearly 400 page book. And they made the movie 2:22 long, so cut them some slack already. Yes, I agree the Night Vision Glasses and Katness and Peeta's feast should have been in the film, and yes, Katness did really shoot Marvel through the neck in the book, but remember, this film was meant for young people too. And I totally agree that the "feast" from the gamemakers should have been the meds just for Peeta, because after all, who doesn't want to see Jennifer Lawrence in a pool of her own blood, but I say again, for you haters out there, CUT THEM SOME SLACK! Suzanne Collins, you know, the author of the books, actually supervised and helped write the script. If she thought it was good enough, then it was, and after all, weren't the fire costumes EPIC!
You'll laugh with Haymitch's comments about Effie's clothes. You'll cry with Katniss when Rue passes away. And you will cheer for "The Girl on Fire!" And when I say this, I mean every time you see the movie.
I subsequently saw the movie 3 more times (dear lord the picture and sound at the BM Theatre both suck. OK so I have been spoiled by digital projectors. Sue me). By the way, I recommend theaters equipped with the Texas Instruments DLP projectors over Sony 4K. Call the theater ahead of time and find the one that has DLP in your locale! Most of the employees surprisingly know what they have. I also decided that due to the fact that prices have dropped so dramatically recently and the fact that I want a big screen to watch this epic movie on again, my next TV will in fact be a projector. 100+ inches baby!
For those curious, "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire" releases November 22, 2013. All cast members who's characters' are still alive will return for Catching Fire and Mockingjay, Parts 1 and 2. And for those of you who have not read the book, they could not do Mockingjay in one movie. If they did, it would have to be 5 hours long!
I guess this blog has turned into more of a "what's going on with me" in general as opposed to just transition stuff. But I don't care. Sometimes you just need a place to write something, right?
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The Stress of finding a job (and other things)
I haven't posted in a while and I am sorry for that. I haven't really wanted to do much of anything of late except to keep looking for work. But things have gotten worse at home. As some of you know (and some don't) I have epilepsy, which is a seizure disorder that we believe was developed during the period of my parent's divorce. The person who was the problem back then and remains to be the problem to this day just happens to be my father. Some of my friends are in complete denial over how evil a person he truly is. And then, they assault my mom for "not being over my dad." It's not like I can tell them to stop talking like this and the truth about things, because it would likely get back to my jackass father. Anyway, back to the stress. His leg finally healed up and I no longer had to help him with every aspect of his life. But being around him and constantly putting up with his outbursts has added stress to my life. So much so that regardless of how much seizure medication I am on, it caused my epilepsy to flare up a couple of days ago. There is no other explanation. Now, the jackass (after saying he wouldn't) is driving my car to work every day because I can't drive for 6 months. He wants to make himself look better as he currently normally drives a Chevy Truck to work and after all, he makes 200k/year and he should be able to afford his BMWs. All this shit is doing is causing more stress on me and he wonders why I don't really care about wanting to get healthy. What do I say to him, "Sorry but you're making my life a living hell, that's why I don't want to eat properly right now." I think my favorite part about him right now is how he claims we have money problems, but then he ends up getting LPs in the mail that needs. And these are Fucking Duplicates. Why the fuck does he need duplicates? Why the fuck does he need them at all? But he can't afford to buy me the Hunger Games Trilogy to read (and I am not someone who usually likes to read). But my mom was nice enough to order them for me.
About a year back, a friend that I met at a summer camp died of her seizure disorder. I never really felt it was appropriate to ask what the specific circumstances were, but that as far as I knew, she was in otherwise good health until she suddenly passed away. I have gone so far as to tell my mom that if anything should happen to me, that she is the person to be my next of kin. This is because I know dad will try and bilk every cent out of what I have (if anything) should anymore seizures occur and complications arise. I am scared. All he does is add stress to my life.
On the upside, mom is flying me down to Arizona for a week in June. Hopefully the shock of returning to jackass's house after the trip won't kill me.
And so time moves slowly on. My car incurs the wear and tear of dad and I keep looking for work. Of course, if I do find a job, lets hope they have a bus that runs outside the location.
Until next time.
About a year back, a friend that I met at a summer camp died of her seizure disorder. I never really felt it was appropriate to ask what the specific circumstances were, but that as far as I knew, she was in otherwise good health until she suddenly passed away. I have gone so far as to tell my mom that if anything should happen to me, that she is the person to be my next of kin. This is because I know dad will try and bilk every cent out of what I have (if anything) should anymore seizures occur and complications arise. I am scared. All he does is add stress to my life.
On the upside, mom is flying me down to Arizona for a week in June. Hopefully the shock of returning to jackass's house after the trip won't kill me.
And so time moves slowly on. My car incurs the wear and tear of dad and I keep looking for work. Of course, if I do find a job, lets hope they have a bus that runs outside the location.
Until next time.
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