Wow, it certainly has been a long time since I have posted here. Life has been crazy. I had a job, got demoted at the job, fell in love, lost that love, and made a decision about my career and as a result, my life. I also made a decision about my identity as a trans woman. I will get to that. But first the job.
I was hired as a newscast director at a station in Medford, Or. Don't get me wrong, not having sales tax rocks. Right as I got to the job, a woman was going on maternity. As a result we were understaffed for about 4 months. After she returned, I was being trained on a particular station in the broadcast control room (graphics, audio, etc) maybe 1 time a week. For those of you who don't know, this is NOT the way to train someone. They need constant exposure to the station to learn it. After a month of this bullshit training, they told me I wasn't learning fast enough and demoted my pay and title.
As a result, I started to re-evaluate my life. First I considered if broadcast operations was what I really wanted to do. Then I considered the horrid hours an ops person has to work (2am to 11am or 3pm - Midnight - Shitty, I know). I couldn't really make a decision until I had a lot of time to think.
Then came the girl.
When I worked in Green Bay, I met a guy who told me about a dating site that was basically like eHarmony but without the massive price tag - Plenty of Fish (or pof.com). I decided that although I was being paid shit for a job i wasn't hired to do, I would try and find love, as it has been a while since I had been in a relationship and I wanted to see what I could live with as far as transition goes. After about a week and a half of messages to women, I got a response.
Her name was Amber.
She seemed like the perfect girl for me. We both enjoyed taking pictures, roller skating (once I figured out how to skate) and she thought my white and pink skates were cool. We both enjoyed movies and I introduced her to Buffy, which like me, she instantly fell in love with. We didn't get a lot of time to spend together, because of my shitty hours and her busy school schedule. But when we did spend time together, which was about 1-2 times a week, things were perfect. For the first time in a long time, things felt good and right in my life (regardless of the shitty pay).
Then out of the blue, she sent me a text, about an hour before she was supposed to come over on a Friday. By this time we were about 4 months into the relationship. She said that she was still coming over but that we needed to talk about the relationship. Anyone who has been dumped by someone they cared about will know (and dread) that phrase. She came over and we talked about she was very busy with life. She said that her work schedule was crazy as was her class schedule and that she needed to figure out what was going on in her life and that she couldn't commit time to the relationship (remember we were already only seeing her once or twice a week at best). So we talked more about her circumstances and then I told her how I felt. She said that in 6 months to a year when she has her shit together, we could get back together. Then I got to talk.
I told her that I was reconsidering my career and where it might take me. I told her that I didn't know if I could wait 6 months to a year for her to make up her mind. I told her that I would likely stay for her and study down here if I did decide to change careers, and if she was willing to stay in the relationship, but not after 6 months or a year. And I told her that I loved her, because that's how I truly feel.
She said I gave her a lot to think about. She said she definatly wanted to stay friends and that if I did move away, maybe we could try long distance (I am not a fan of long distance).
We both sat quietly for a few minutes.Then we kissed and she left.
I cannot say whether she was giving me the real reason for breaking up or not. I am not always good at reading people. I really want to believe her, but as I said, I can't wait around to find out. I desperately wish I could, because of how much I care for her, but I just can't.
We have text-ed on and off for the past week or so. During that time, I have made several discoveries and realizations about myself and life.
1. Kenny G is awesome.
2. Pretty Little Liars (the TV show) is awesome.
3. TV networks suck for saving the last few episodes of a show for the May ratings period.
4. I am sure I want to be either a Television Engineer, IT Tech, or my first choice, a High School Video Productions teacher. But one thing is for sure, crazy hours and broadcast operations are not for me.
5. I still want to transition.
I am meeting with Amber to talk to her about things one last time tomorrow at 2pm. I don't know what will happen. But at least she will finally give me back my USB flash drive.
My plan as it currently stands -
I will be moving back to Tacoma in a week or so. Classes start at Bates on May 12. Tacoma is where most of my friends are and it will certainly be easier to plan my 10-year reunion from there (just 1 year away).
As for transition - I plan on working more intensively with some of my friends in the area who have gone through the same thing. Who knows. Maybe in a year or so I will finally be walking around in skirts every day. One thing's for sure. I still am and want to be Hannah.
Wishing all of you the best. I will try and keep this more updated as time goes on.
So, a lot has happened over the past year. My leg has healed to the
point that I can walk again at full strength. I ordered a new pair of
skates (to the left) that were supposed to take 6 weeks. Instead, they
took from march until last Tuesday because Riedell doesn't know how to
ship their skates. According to the shop owner, they don't even provide
tracking numbers. Anyway, they came and they are beautiful. One of the
reasons I ordered the skates was because the ones I bought were actually
2 sizes too big. The correct feel of roller skates is different from
shoes. you don't want room on the inside for movement. 
