Mom sent me a rather vile email this morning. The first thing she said was that I lied about not having a christmas bonus last year. I subsequently forwarded KVOA's 3rd qtr report to her which said in the title, "The Christmas Bonus is Back" Hopefully that will get her off that. She seems to be taking her shitty life out on me in the email (she talks about how her mom and my dad treated her like shit and how rick expects her to do everything without a thank you. I am sorry that these things are happening, BUT ITS NOT MY FAULT!
She said in the email that she was ready to embrace hannah until the lie about the xmas bonuses (hopefully the report will change her mind, but god only knows what goes on in her head)
I love her and have been able to control myself when it comes to her, but I am starting to lose my patience. I got the computer because mine broke. I am sorry, but thats how life is these days.
The worst part was when she accused me of having "David Sarno Disease" I am so fucking mad at her over this. I hate him with a passion and I am planning on cutting him out of my life now that that stupid lawsuit is done. But I don't know what to do now. I might lose both my parents. She concluded the email saying that i am angry despite an expert said I wasn't. Then she told me to read the email to martie (my current therapist)
I AM SO SICK OF HER BULLSHIT! What am I supposed to do if I am offered a job in another part of the country? How do I move there? Am I supposed to sacrafice myself because she wont help me? Do I settle for a full time job at mcdonalds and pass on transition because I don't have her support.
I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT
Sorry for the language, but I am so angry right now, this is the only way of expressing myself short of screaming and yelling, and that would be bad.
Hannah
You have EVERY right to be angry with her and frustrated by her behavior. For her to assimilate her problems with your Dad or Rick with her relationship with you is wrong and frankly, narcissistic. It seems like she is seeking out excuses for you to appear to be a wretched, dishonest person. Her goal for your relationship is not to be your mother, but to be a victim. I usually ask myself, "what would healthy people usually do?". Healthy parents respect distance and boundaries necessary for the psychological well-being of their children. They BUILD trust and compromise. Where trust has been violated, parents and children work together to change things for the better. In conflicts, they agree to disagree, knowing that each person is entitled to their own beliefs and choices. No one is a victim. Everyone is empowered by the relationship and no one needs to compromise needs and healthy boundaries to maintain the relationship. This does not describe the relationship with your mother.
ReplyDeletePeople like this make all sorts of excuses for their unhappiness and discomfort. They'll dig deep into your past for old problems/violations, break your trust by crossing boundaries/violating privacy to find explanations for why they're so unhappy. It is far too scary to look inside of themselves for the explanation, instead, opting for a more convenient solution. Any attempts to address them as the source of their unhappiness usually illicit a rageful and angry response. As such, they lack onto you and tell you all sorts of toxic shit to make you feel bad about yourself: "It's your fault that I have problems with Rick", "It's your fault that your computer died", "You're just like your Dad"...*GAG!!!* This is verbal and emotional abuse.
What I see in your mother is a lot of **projection. A very, very unhealthy way of communicating and relating to other people. Toxic, unhealthy, unfair. Period. YOU DO NOT NEED THIS AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.
I can sense that this relationship is not improving, despite your desire to move forward and get healthy. You have already invited her to join the path to wellness and she clearly declined. A quote that I live by: "When someone shows you their true colors, believe them." --Maya Angelou. She has made it clear how she's choosing to cope with the problems in her life, which is dwelling on anger, resentment and distrust. There is nothing that you can do to change her. At some point, you have to concede and move on in your path to wellness without her. The question is, how will you spend that time? Is it worth it to dwell on the loss and hurt of this relationship?
Loving your mother and having healthy boundaries and taking care of your needs are not mutually exclusive realities. It may mean, though, that you might have to make changes in your relationship and let go of the illusion that you have a parent that will take care of you or help you when you need them. That is not to say that they don't love you; they're just acting in the only ways they know how (which is not healthy). Feeling alone in moving forward can be a really scary experience, but the only thing we can do is keep moving forward with our goals and needs and taking one day at a time.
**a psychological defense mechanism where a person unconsciously denies their own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, such as to the weather, or to other people. Thus, it involves imagining or projecting that others have those feelings. Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted unconscious impulses or desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them.An example of this behavior might be blaming another for self failure.